My heart aches today.
For the past couple of weeks, my sin has been catching up to me. The reality of my choices have burned in my soul. The pain of this world has moved to the forefront of my mind and dances in front of my eyes.
Friends, I am so prone to wander. I am so prone to go my own way. I want to be in control of every little piece of my life – from having a well-paying job, to making home-cooked meals for my family, to balancing all of my passions and my favorite things.
I love to be in control. I love to hang out with friends, but it has to fit in my schedule. I love to invest in my church, but only when it’s convenient. I love to listen to sermons and podcasts and dig deeper into my relationship with God, but only when I have the time on my drive, when my daughter isn’t screaming or trying to talk to me.
I easily get lost in my desire to control. It’s like an idol to me; sometimes I put the feeling of being “content” in my season above everything else that’s actually going on in my season. I am addicted to the feeling of knowing everything is going to be okay, instead of knowing the One that makes everything okay.
My focus is skewed and staggered from where it needs to be. My heart is misshapen and distracted. But isn’t that all of us? How easy it is for us to run to something temporary, simply because it’s the thing that’s right in front of our eyes.
While my morals haven’t necessarily been compromised, my priorities have been. I’ve been focusing on material things, trying desperately to put my worth in them and seek a form of identity in them. If only my shop would do better, people would see me as successful and then I’ll feel better about myself.
If I can just pass my exams and get registered, I’ll be more respected in my career, and I’ll feel more justified in my position and amount of experience to keep moving forward.
If we can just figure out how to bring in more money, we will feel more secure and then we can freely give however we want. That way, God will be happier with us and we won’t have to struggle so much.
Do any of these sound familiar to you? I know they are to me. I’ve thought each and every one of these things over the course of the last year and a half. Especially with COVID roaring its ugly head.
It’s so easy to slowly start leaning towards money, new jobs, promotions, and success in our careers. And like I said in my last post, that’s not a bad thing! It’s when our focus actually turns to that and we start to lean into it, that it becomes an idol.
And then, where do we land? We feel lost, alone, and forgotten. We feel stranded in a wilderness we didn’t even realize we were trudging through.
As one of my favorite writers Amanda Bible Williams says, “but even when we’re lost, He never loses us”.
Friends, what a joy it is to know that we are never too far from the One that saved us to begin with. No matter what decisions we make, how many times we’ve messed up, how long it’s been since we’ve read our Bibles or been to church, He never loses us. He never loses sight of us. He never lets go of us.
Let’s keep this reminder from Amanda fresh in our hearts this week, thanking God that He renews us, no matter how dirty or disgusting we may feel:
The One who was with you in the beginning, who has raised you up as His beloved child, will not forsake you now. The sacrifice of His Son has covered your sin, secured your standing, and sealed your hope (Colossians 1:14, Romans 5:17, 1 Peter 1:3–4). With Jesus as your Redeemer, you are always in the family.
You are always in the family. You are not forgotten.
making mustard seeds 